Joycee Wong is Curator at Wells Fargo’s San Francisco History Museum. (Her previous blog is here!) For Hispanic Heritage Month, Joycee reflects on the common sense we all have of celebrating family and life, whether we hail from Oaxaca or Hong Kong. (CR)
Recently, I went to the memorial park to pay respects to my dearest mom on the 4th anniversary of her death, lugging 2 large handle bags. In them were some flowers and vases, a thermos of tea and a freshly made scone, a camera (to capture the visit and share with out-of-town family later), a few old letters (to reminisce) and some tissues (for the inevitable tears). All this was my paraphernalia for a visitation to my mother’s columbarium where her ashes are kept in a peaceful sanctuary.
I am reminded of the similarities between cultures when I saw a flyer a few days earlier about “Day of the Dead” 
celebrations that will take place this month among many Hispanic families.
If you’ve never heard of it, “Day of the Dead” (El Día de los Muertos) isn’t some macabre Halloween game, but a time-honored tradition going back almost 3000 years. This holiday focuses on gatherings of families and friends, for prayer and to remember friends and family who have died. Traditions include building private altars, making sugar skulls, displaying marigolds and serving the favorite foods and beverages of the departed. Everyone visits graves with these gifts.
As a Chinese-American, I grew up with light touches of traditions on the multitude of Chinese holidays and celebrations, including those honoring our deceased loved ones. Growing up in Hong Kong, I remember periodic excursions to the cemetery where my parents and sisters — saddled with armloads of food, flowers, and cleaning supplies — spent a few hours with my paternal grandmother who was buried there. Honoring the dead according to Chinese customs require certain rituals, which our family followed to some degree….
Traditionally, the most significant holiday for acknowledging the dead is “Qing Ming” , held in the spring time. As a wee child (yes, wee , not Wii! ), I recall walking tiny footpaths between tombstones of varying sizes, wondering why some of them looked so weedy and neglected while others shone with brightness and beauty. My parents taught me that not everyone buried at the cemetery has the fortune of regular visitors coming to tend the gravesite.
Holding a small scrubbing brush in my tiny hand, I would take pauses from our scouring effort cleaning her tombstone to caress her tombstone, marveling at the cool feel of the marble and its whiteness. It wasn’t until much later in my 30s that I actually learned the full range of the rituals to properly observe Qing Ming from a wonderful book that has taught me specifics of my own heritage: Good Luck Life.
This fascinating book details the whys and hows of the many quirky Chinese customs and helped to put into context those early childhood experiences of visiting grandmother’s grave. The author explains the four different steps in observing Qing Ming according to Chinese customs:
- “Tidy up”: Clear away debris. My sisters and I were in charge of pulling the pesky weeds and scrubbing the tombstone with soap and water.
- “Food and flower offerings”: Flashback. Lovingly, my parents would replace the dead flowers from our last visit with fresh colorful blooms, and I seem to recall some citrus fruits, perhaps a few Chinese sweets, being placed on her gravesite. I had to laugh when I read in Good Luck Life how the author noticed some families feeding their dead relatives with their favorite dishes and spotting a whole all-American apple pie on a grave site during Qing Ming!
- “Spirit World Offerings”: Ritual packages may include red (good luck color) candles, incense sticks, otherworld spirit money, etc. Our family never observed this part of the tradition although occasionally, we may bring incense (and the requisite 3 sticks per person) for the last step in observing Qing Ming…
- “Giving Respect”: Lighting our incense sticks, each of us would take turns to bow 3 times in front of the tombstone to pay respect to my Dad’s mother. Afterwards, our family would sit by the gravesite to enjoy some tea and snacks we brought to eat in the presence of my grandmother’s spirit.
Flash forward 35 years. I’m in San Mateo, California and just finished arranging the fresh bouquets in front of my mother’s niche, where her ashes rest. I’ve taken pictures to share with my Dad who lives in San Diego, and bowed three times in deep reverence to my departed mom. I am seated and sipping the tea and nibbling on a scone I’ve brought to “enjoy breakfast” with her, and remembering how these rituals are celebrated by others throughout the world.
How sweet it is to read about Hispanics having similar activities in tribute to deceased loved ones in their annual “Day of the Dead” traditions! Hispanic observation of El Día de los Muertos is even livelier, with vibrant flowers and extensive decorations and amazing altars or shrines that are created in the families’ homes.
I am now committed to learning more about Hispanic customs to add another layer to my own observances of future Qing Ming celebrations, or next September when I commemorate the 5th year of my mother’s death. She was an adventurous lady and always curious about other countries and cultures, and she even took Spanish language lessons for fun when we first moved to San Diego!
So I don’t think my Mom would mind if I mix-and-match various rituals to honor her, although I wonder if she’d chuckle or frown if I decorate an altar to honor her with the popular Catrinas , one of the most popular figures of the “Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico. Many people believe that during this holiday, it is easier for the souls of the departed to visit the living…so perhaps I can invite her spirit to “visit” me and let me know if she approves or disapproves of the new twist to honoring her!
I can’t help but feel very fortunate that I have these treasured times to remember and honor my mother (and other departed loved ones) so freely and easily in America. I wonder too if those early settlers coming out west in search of gold on their own, leaving family and friends behind — sometimes from countries far, far away — would feel the loneliness of their bodies buried here in the U.S., where their loved ones couldn’t easily come to their grave site to observe these rituals in person.
Perhaps that’s why the idea of creating an altar at home to honor those deceased bridges the gap between our memories of them and their spirit beyond this world.